


I Love You, I Love You, I'm Here

by icandrawamoth



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Legends - All Media Types, Star Wars Legends: X-Wing Series - Aaron Allston & Michael Stackpole
Genre: Community: fan_flashworks, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, I've written a LOT of this ship but this is, Literal Sleeping Together, M/M, Nightmares, No Dialogue, One of My Favorites, POV First Person, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sharing a Bed, Trauma, post-Lusankya
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-24
Updated: 2019-08-24
Packaged: 2020-09-25 03:34:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20369995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icandrawamoth/pseuds/icandrawamoth
Summary: I’ve loved you for years, but I never spoke of it. I was content being your friend, our relationship meaning too much to me to risk it by selfishly declaring I wanted more.That changed when you disappeared.





	I Love You, I Love You, I'm Here

**Author's Note:**

> Submitted for fan_flashworks prompt "shelter."

I’ve loved you for years. For almost as long as we’ve been friends, the feelings growing so quickly when I finally allowed myself to care for you, convinced you wouldn’t die like everyone at Yavin, like everyone I'd lost before and since.

But I never spoke of it. I was content being your friend, our relationship meaning too much to me to risk it by selfishly declaring I wanted more. No, I was perfectly happy keeping that warmth inside, tucked away and taken out and observed only in the privacy of my own head, never shared. Though I never entirely stopped wondering.

That changed when you disappeared. For six months, you were gone, even me having to admit you’d likely been killed, just aching that I’d missed my chance for whatever more we might have had together. 

Then you came back, like some kind of Force-blessed miracle. Lusankya, they told me. You'd been tortured and imprisoned. You'd been hurting so badly all that time, and I never knew. Once they were assured you weren't an immediate danger, they let me see you. I had to pull every string I have, but I wasn't about to back down.

And then there you were. Sitting in a cell behind thick transparisteel, your usually-shining blonde hair dull and matted, your frame skinnier than I'd ever seen, everything about you sagging. You were in pain, and I burned to make it stop.

I still do. Eight weeks later, you've been released into my custody, as clear as it was NRI would rather have not let you go. My fists still clench at the thought of them insisting you must be dangerous. You've always been one of the strongest people I know; Isard never stood a chance with you.

You're free now, you're with me, no walls between us, but that doesn't mean everything is okay. I can see the ways you've changed. You're quieter. You never protested NRI's treatment of you. You never argue with me about anything. And there's a pain in your eyes that was never there before. I wish I could take it away, and it frustrates me that I don't know how.

What I can do is be by your side. I want to take care of you. I'm still your best friend; you still trust me. That means a lot when everyone to touch you lately has only hurt. It's a comfort to have you staying with me. It's a comfort having you near and knowing you're okay – as okay as you can be.

It's been strange, too. We've spent every minute since we've known each other in the military structure; it's not like we've never been close before. But this is different. More casual. More intimate. Needier, on both our accounts, though we're loathe to admit it.

You know. I can see that in your eyes, too. You might have before; you definitely do now. How can I hide how much I care for you when you're sobbing in my arms after another violent flashback or crawling into my bed begging not to be alone through the nightmares? I don't know what our relationship is now. We haven't discussed it aloud. I don't want to take advantage of you, but I want to give you everything.

What we have now is enough. You let me put my arm around you when you feel alone. You lay your head on my shoulder when you're exhausted but too afraid to sleep. When you do let yourself slip away, it's at my side, my arm around your waist in an attempt to keep fear and dark memories at bay. I keep you close and count my lucky stars to have you at all.

Tonight, you whimper in your sleep, and I can only imagine the visions that must haunt you. You’ve been quiet since you came back and nearly silent on the details of what you went through. I haven’t asked. I know NRI pried everything from you they could, and you deserve privacy from someone, as much as I ache to know so I can help you heal.

I murmur your name, attempting to soothe without pulling you from the sleep you need. (You don’t get enough of it, and only deep and calm when you’re truly exhausted.) Even unconscious, you curl toward me, and as I hold you, I cherish that trust. 

In the sunlight, it's easy to distract yourself. Catching up on everything you missed while you were away, taking care of your body the way you didn’t get to then, helping me with initial plans for reforming the Rogues. I like the spark those talks light in your eyes.

But when night falls, it’s different. The distractions crumble away, and you seem to shrink in on yourself, bowing under the weight of your experiences.

Sometimes I catch you just staring, and I know you’re looking into the past. Or trying to.

I try to be gentle bringing you back. A hand on your shoulder, a soft word. You always blink and put your hand over mine, and you always insist you’re fine. The intensity of the words varies; sometimes I almost believe you.

What is your mind like between what you know and the holes in your memory? I don’t know which scares you more. I've spent my share of time in Imperial captivity in the past, but it was never like this. No one tried to truly break my mind and destroy who I was. There were never gaping black holes in my memories after. The thought of what you must be navigating is terrifying, and I'd do anything to make your journey easier.

There's one thing I know for sure. I will tear the galaxy apart to find the ones who hurt you. They will bleed, and they will die, and I will be there to see it happen. Even better, I will be at your side as you slay your demons yourself.

In the dim light of the bedroom, your eyes open and I see the familiar haze, the one that says you don’t quite know where you are. Lusankya, Akrit’tar, NRI custody? Then, a moment later, the fact of your safety reasserts itself, and the tension leaves your body.

You don’t quite smile as you look up at me, but I can see how calm and relaxed you are, the nightmare gone now. You know I’ve been watching over you, and I know it grounds you more than you’ll admit. We hold each other’s eyes for long moments, the silence comfortable.

After awhile, you reach up and guide me down to you. I hardly realize what’s happening until it does, but nothing has ever felt more right than the kiss. Our first.

Neither of us speaks when we part and lay close together on the pillow. Your eyes, soft and blue and beautiful, are thanking me for everything. You know you don’t need to say it aloud, that I don’t need to hear it. And you know the words my heart is beating in response, over and over and over.

_I love you. I love you. I’m here._


End file.
